I'm sorry for what I said when I was sad...

Real talk, I have always thought of myself as a strong independent woman. Like, even from when I was in high school I was always in leadership positions in my youth group or in volunteer opportunities and even if I was just attending to help out I ended up leading people, encouraging others, helping out where I could. I have never had a hard time being independent, or spending time by myself and actually love doing things alone. It gave me a break from everything I was involved in and allowed me to recharge.  

However, this recent season has thrown me a curve ball. I've been sadder than I ever have before. I've been more lonely than I've ever felt before. I've been more overwhelmed than I've ever been before. 

Starting last summer I got my first taste of my big girl job through an internship in an ICU where I was thrown into the real life of nursing in the critical care setting. It was amazing and challenging and I was so excited for my next step. The only problem is that this next step happened to line up with everything else in my life being flipped upside down at the same time. Within a 7 month time frame I finished my last semester of college, lost my very best friend in a bicycle accident, my other friend moved to Japan, and my sister went to AUS for 6 months. Then I started my post graduate job in an ICU at a level one trauma center (SCARY/EXCITING/WHAT), two friends moved to Boston, and two other friends moved to Dallas. I had lost the closest people to me in one way or another, I was stressed, being forced to grow in so many ways with so much of my support seeming to be taken away from me. 

In so many ways, I shut down for about 6 months (my roommates can attest to that. sorry!) I would go to my last semester of school or go to work, come home, hide myself in my room, or sometimes I just didn't even want to be home. I would go anywhere other than my home including cafes, friends houses, or the neighborhood bar. I attempted to fill my friendship voids with friendly people who I seemed to get along with only to realize that they were broken and damaged in their own way and were also grasping at their own straws to survive. 

Thankfully during the worst mourning and stress I had my two (now) Dallas friends 5 min away and I spent close to 3 days/evenings a week at their house. I don't think I can ever express just how much of a gift their friendship is to me and how much their support helped me during my very worst times. I think when we are at our most broken and saddest we need people who see us and love us and know how to support us without us having to ask them to. In a way we can't even choose these people. They just become exactly who we need them to be for us and we hold on for dear life. This is exactly what they did for me. So many nights they didn't talk to me. I literally just came over, played with their dogs, ate, and left. That was what I needed. 

The saddest part of this season was that I didn't have a Christian community or a church to support me. I had been unable to attend the church I had previously been a member at due to my summer internship and the hours it demanded (aka weekend nights). This started the disconnect that was only widened by the loss of my friend. I found that those who I had previously considered close friends were nowhere to be seen or would offer shallow words of support or worse would ask for support from me. I attempted to visit and start attending another church in my area that was connected with a respected church I had attended at the beginning of college but the timing of starting a new community in the midst of isolation and sadness and all the change that was happening was too much for me to ask of any community and honestly would have made me more venerable than I was willing to be at the time.  

During this time I am sure that I said hurtful things to my family, my roommates, and other friends but I was unable to identify it at the time. I canceled plans, didn't show up to events I was invited to, and stopped texting people back. I was in the midst of sadness and I couldn't get out of it. 

Above anyone else I know I was hurtful to God the most. I made decisions that I never would have seen myself making and silently walked away from Him. I attempted to convince myself I wasn't mad at Him for taking my friend away but I was. It wasn't until I met with a mentor 8 months later when she told me I can be mad at God, and I should be. I should yell out to him how hurt I feel and how much I wish the things that happened hadn't happened. But instead I did what was worse than being mad at God, I had gone silent and ignored him. Thankfully he has abounding grace and continued to chase after my heart even when I was trying so hard to make my own way through this time. He brought a wonderful mentor into my life and is still leading me into new lessons and support.  

I know I am not out of this season just yet and I'm still dealing with hurt, loneliness, and challenges but I am learning how to deal with them more appropriately. I'm learning how to give myself grace. I'm reminding myself that crying out to God for any reason is so much better than ignoring Him. I'm pushing myself to run after community who may also be broken but have the same fire for Christ and his glory. I'm being more selective with surrounding myself with support with whom I'm willing to be vulnerable. On top of all of this I also consulted my doctor for help which resulted in medication to aid in bringing myself out of this cycle of anxiety and depression I was so happily in denial of. 

I am reminded that even in my brokenness and loneliness and sadness God has still given me a spirit of independence and gifts of leadership and strength regardless of my feelings and the season I'm in. I'm being reminded that even though I feel weak and hurt and lonely, this is only for a time and there will be a time again soon that I feel strong and independent. Grace runs deep and His love deeper still.  I would never ask for these experiences but I know that I am learning so many lessons about myself, about people, about God, about mourning, about joy, and about life.